Taurus April 20 - May 20
The mirror lies.
Also, the dresser is a philanderer.

Leo July 23 - August 22
You find a small coin in the middle of the street on Wednesday.
It isn't a very big one, nor is it particularly small.
This is the only event in your entire week, savour it.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Three little pigs all built houses, and all of them, except for the one who built his with brick, fell down.
I have no idea how that relates to your week.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
A glass of water is half full on your table by mid-week, by the end of week it's still half full, but you've drank a few glasses in between the original, mid-week glass of water and the end of the week glass that sits on the table, half full.
This doesn't necessarily mean you're a thirsty optimist, but youve got this horrible habit of leaving glass of water all over the place.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
This is not the week to be playing with small weapons-grade nuclear waste.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Someone punches you for your views (despite them being refreshing!) on the One Hundred Years War.
In the ensuing fight, a small houseplant is overturned, but otherwise, there is no damage. Except perhaps to that fool's sense of the role of the Channel Islands in the course of the war.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
The smarmy git that came up to you at the party last week talking about the One Hundred Years War until you thought your ears would fall off probably hasn't realised just yet that you'd stolen their Joan of Arc notepad and replaced it with an Alexander the Great at Babylon one in the midst of an otherwise tame fight.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Eat a tremendous amount of mashed potatoes this week. For safety.

Libra September 23 - October 22
You have a horoscope this week, but it's rather lame. Horses for courses, as they say.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Still in the midst of a whole lot of trees. A suprising amount, you might say, if you hadn't had three weeks to get used to the sheer number of trees around you, so many that you're having a rather difficult time sympathising with those yammering on about saving the rain forests.
You're not too fond of rivers at this point, either, as it reminds you quite a few times this week that a) you're not any further on than you were the previous week, and b) there are species of fish that eat people. Or at least meat.
Despite them persisiting in insisting on sitting on your head, the four-legged furry things may be your favourite part of this whole return to the horoscope sheet.
Yet one more vague memory comes back this week of your time pre-trees: You were standing in the kitchen, holding a bag of flour with a bemused expression on your face. It's not a very helpful memory, but you make a mental note to try and not look bemused so often.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
A quick blow to the solar plexus will stop most people in their tracks. Billboard advertising can be effective, though probably not as.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You notice an extra Moon in the sky on Tuesday evening.
The amazement wears off pretty quickly when it doesn't revolve around the Earth, but appears to be stationary in the night sky. And suspiciously close to a tree outside your window. And a pie tin tied to the tree.

[Horoscopes. Well worth a read, if people still do that sort of thing.]