Taurus April 20 - May 20
Remember turnips? Don't make that mistake again.
Or wait, those were beets, weren't they? Ohhhh yes they were.

Leo July 23 - August 22
You wake up to find your feet have been replaced with hands! And your hands with feet!
Gradually it dawns on you that you fell asleep watching the tele again and have managed to slide down on to the floor. Your hands, however, are still feet, and your feet are still hands. Go figure.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
A sage old chicken will give you fantastic advice this week.
However, you might want to keep the source of your advice to yourself, quite a lot of people have an anti-chicken bias.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Deer parading through your living room is attribute-able to Mercury in your Third House of People and Things Standing in Front of the Television.
You might as well pick out a good book now.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Wear something slinky this week.
A wild and wooly adventure awaits you on Thursday. If you live in Scotland, beware the sheep.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
You have a refreshing perspective on the One Hundred Years war.
It doesn't help anybody involved, granted, but it's refreshing. If not the most exciting thing to share at parties.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will find yourself talking to someone about the One Hundred Years war at a party Saturday evening. Their perspective could possibly be interesting, but it bores the hell out of you.
Eat a crisp for me.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Your favourite pet turtle goes missing this week.
If you haven't a pet turtle, somewhere, in a parallel universe, know that your parallel self is sorely missing their turtle this week.

Libra September 23 - October 22
You're thankful the return of the Scorpio horoscope last week didn't coincide with the disappearance of yours, as you feared the law of balances might demand...
...
...

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
So you hate trees. Which is a pity, because you still find yourself in the midst of quite a lot of them.
On the up side, your headache seems to be gone, and the other day you had a vague memory of someone attempting to hand you a glass of something. The furry four-legged things that appear to enjoy using you and your head as a resting place haven't abated in their desire to show you how comfortable they think your head is for sitting and one of them shows you just how cool they all think your watch is by stealing it off your wrist, scampering away a bit to perch on a tree where it eats the watch, then dives into the nearest bush.
Around Friday morning, you begin to hear quite a lot more birds, and what you hope is a very tiny and very non-carnivorous animal that growls.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You've always had an intense fear of electric razors.
Also, the phrase, "Easy as falling off a log" strikes a deep, deep chord within you this week.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
People decide, for no other reason than the stars dictate, apparently, to throw buckets of money at you this week.
And you accept them humbly, and, after a quick scour of the dictionary and encyclopaedia, tell them that it's shame there weren't such things as buckets of happiness, but that you'll suffer on with buckets of money, preferably notes, as the coins hurt.

[Horoscopes. If anyone from Automatic Media is listening, we take cash, too.]