Taurus April 20 - May 20
A mysterious sparrow in the mail this week could change your life.
It could also scare the hell out of you when you go to pick up the mail and out shoots a sparrow that's been cooped up for who knows how long.

Leo July 23 - August 22
You will have a very gentle week.
The padded room you've been put in may have something to do with that.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
William Blake saw angels in a tree when he was young. You probably won't this week, yourself, though if you look hard enough you might see a curiously robin-shaped bird-like angel.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
This week will mark the first week of the rest of Hugh Grant's life.
Probably also yours, but you're not a celebrity with floppy hair. Unless you are, in which case show us a copy of Hello! magazine with your picture in it and we'll reconsider.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Stickie little yellow seeds of something, you're not entirely sure what, have somehow adhered themselves to the entire left half of your body. This may be a week to stay indoors.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
This will be a strange week for you, the Moon is in the great House of Forbidden Desires and Jumpy Wickets.
Now, I have no idea what a jumpy wicket is, but you may find yourself desiring one, even though you know you shouldn't, by the end of the week.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Overcast, with some hope of clearing by midday Friday.
A small person will attempt to obtain your teeth. Without your permission.

Aries March 21 - April 19
The bells toll for you this week.
In case anyone asks.

Libra September 23 - October 22
A coffee table will enter your life this week. Or it can enter your week this life. Either way, really, though the second syntax may be slightly odd. And I'm not entirely sure how to picture that one just yet.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You wake up in the deepest depths of the Amazon rain forest with a slight headache, no recollection whatsoever of the last two years and a little extra time, two years + worth of stubble (yes, you Scorpion ladies out there, as well, and children), a mouth that tastes remarkably like cotton, your head resting more comfortably than you might expect in a pile of mud being sat upon by a furry four arm/legged kind of thing that objects to you attempting to move it's chair (you), and a vague worry that, after a quick glance at your watch to discern the time and year, Scott McNealy may have taken over the Earth like you'd been warning everyone before you blacked out.
Or at least you assume it's the deepest depths of the Amazon rain forest, as you'll travel for the week and won't hit anything but trees, more trees, really tall trees, a rather large river, hungry fish in the very large river, mud, some more trees, a few more of the furry four arm/legged creatures who apparently heard how comfortable your head was to sit on, a construction crew, a McDonald's within walking distance of the construction crew, vines, an enormous tangle of vines, vines with thorns, a few trees, the river again, probably with the same hungry fish, though you don't try and find out this time, and a few very forward birds that attempt to eat your right arm.
You're guessing that sometime soon someone will be along to explain it all to you, though then you realise that that's the sort of thought people have in the movies when they're trying to fool themselves into thinking it will all be all right and that they haven't been left to die in the darkest depths of the rain forest at all.
Sometime near the end of the week you'll begin to hate trees.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You seem to have lost your shoes this week.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You cure the common cold this week!
Other than that, nothing too special happens. Except maybe you find a ticket stub to a movie you'd seen months ago in your pocket.

[Horoscopes. Folding paper. We're not that strict.]