Taurus April 20 - May 20
A wise Taurus would not question rabbits in the hope that they may actually answer.
At least not for the important stuff. They're quite capable of answering questions about Coronation Street, Eastenders, or Casualty.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Do not, no matter how good an idea you may think it is, do not try and make a living selling refridgerators to Eskimos. Do you know how difficult it is to lug a service repair kit out there? Damn hard, let me tell you.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
You think briefly about asking the ferns to leave, as they seem to be done rioting, as well as done as they're going to get with the cleaning, but you give it a second thought (possibly a third), when you see them all sitting on your couch, watching the tele, ruffling their way through a bag of crisps. And one of them has a knife.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
If you had a turkey for every time someone bumped into you on the street, you'd have quite a lot of turkeys, and you'd probably face some sort of legal action from the RSPCA or ASPCA, depending upon where you live for keeping far too many turkeys without a proper turkey licence.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Although all the people of Birmingham seem to have been replaced with aliens! Ah!
Or at least the guy at the post office. There is the argument that he's always been strange, and may just be continuing in his strangeness, and not actually be possessed by aliens or himself actually an alien, but you can never be too careful.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
In addition to the haircut, you've found Mormonism quite to your liking, and have acquired eighteen spouses (or spice, if you believe a spouse is grammatically like a mouse).
Whether chasing someone down the street counts as marriage is up to your somewhat lax definitions.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
But Wow! Taking a page from the new Cinerama single (*ting!*), you realise it's hard breaking someone's heart in two this week.
And quite astonishingly messy. But full of poppy goodness.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Cherish those things in your life that don't cause you excruciating pain by catching your leg in a vise-grip and twisting quickly.
Those of you with those type of things in your life, metal trousers.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Green is most certainly not your colour this week.
Red is your colour.
Honest. And Bob's your uncle. (more on this soap opera next week, when you discover Ted's been sleeping with Geena, and she's his psychotherapist)

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Woo! You're free, long at last, you have a horos... oh, wait, sorry, I confused you with someone else.
Let me look in my bag o' horoscopes... hmm... funny, still no horoscope for you...

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The sun will take over in the morning. Until then, you're in charge.
A tiny voice in your ear will alert you to the fact that a family of field mice have, despite what their adjectified status might suggest, taken up residence in your ear.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A veritable bounty of fruit-flavoured gummy emails will bound across your desk singing showtunes, including a frightfully off-key version of the "You're the One that I Want" song.
With Mercury in your third House of Fruit-Flavoured Apparitions, this doesn't surprise you overly much, but it possibly means you either better satisfy that fruit-flavoured gummy craving or stop working so much. Posthaste.

[Horoscopes. Supertart! It's been updated! About bleeding time!]