Taurus April 20 - May 20
Low flying planes. They are a bane to our society. Especially the taller people in our society.

Leo July 23 - August 22
You have great teeth this week.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
One of the ferns incites a small riot against your severe lack of appreciation of their cleaning job.
It's quelled soon after you point out they haven't done anything about the grape juice stain on your drapery.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
You may redeem this week's events for a large ice cream cone at any vendor in Hyde Park and/or any Ben and Jerry's outlet.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The space ship that picked you up last week just turns out to be a convertible with plush seats. A slight disappointment, moreso when you find you're still in Birmingham.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Your new obession with the Osmonds is going well.
You've developed a worrying haircut, however, as a side effect.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Folly and fortune usually don't go hand in hand, but you see the two of them cavorting down the street this week.
Liz Hurley also seems to be hanging on to fortune's coattails.

Aries March 21 - April 19
If you find yourself in Iceland this week, don't say we didn't warn you about the baby seal seeking revenge for all those dreadful baby seal bashings.
If you're anywhere else, be extremely wary of cows, but otherwise you should be safe.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Tulips look horrible on you this week.
Seduce a bank manager.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
We'd like to offer you advice on wearing tulips this week (or gardenias, at any rate), but the Super Fantastic Board of Horoscopal Integrity and Good Manners strictly has forbidden us doing anything of the sort.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You have a difficult time of it with a small waitress and her band of merry men, all of whom seem to be armed, and not keen on serving anything resembling food.
Them not being merry, and her never actually taking your order nor even offering you a menu might lead you to believe that you may have perceived the situation wrong. Hindsight, of course.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A small bit of a popular tune stuck in your head for the first half of the week threatens the safety of those around you.
Whether this is because you're running about singing it or it's about to drive you mad is completely and utterly, in it's own free will sort of way, up to you.

[Horoscopes. It's coming again, soon.]