Taurus April 20 - May 20
A dirigible crashes into your week. This causes some difficulty getting to work on Wednesday.

Leo July 23 - August 22
You will have the attention span of a gnat this week. A gnat that's just eaten a lot of sugar. You won't even get to that last sentence. Nor this one.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
A renegade group of ferns take it upon themselves to clean your house.
It's extremely difficult to tell a fern that they've missed a spot. Especially when they're doing the job for free.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
One of the Strauss', I can never remember which, will visit you this week. He will, in his usual fashion, attempt to give you his decoder ring, as a symbol of your friendship.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will be picked up by a spaceship this week. It will have some nice plush seats.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will be extremely jealous about Capricorn getting a ride in the spaceship when you've been harping on about having been abducted by aliens for years now and you own every video of the X-Files and a few t-shirts.
To show your disgruntled state, you begin becoming fanatical about the Osmonds.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
There is a pigeon across the road doing incredibly strange things with it's neck. It's making it increasingly difficult to concentrate.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Bean bags do not make a decent subsitute for vegetables in your diet.

Libra September 23 - October 22
The past will catch up with you this week, overtake you, and come back to where you are with a water bottle and a new headband. The past can be a mite smarmy sometimes.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You have no horoscope at all. Give me a job, though?

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Cosmic forces wind up making your week very very cranky by stomping around all night and playing their music too loud.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
If you do only one thing this week it won't be a very productive week, will it?
A cute little kitten will sit on your windowsill and bat at your head while you work. This will become less cute as the minutes pass.

[Horoscopes. This or this. Two links!]