Taurus April 20 - May 20
A nice enough mercenary-for-hire will befriend yourself and your friends and family this week.
An awkward situation will arise when it turns out, after the months have passed and you've taught him how to farm the land and tend to livestock, that he's not really a mercenary-for-hire but an encyclopedia saleman.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Gangrene will luckily claim none of your limbs this week.
Wear yellow if at all possible.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Shellacking a stinkbug seemed like a good idea at the time, though now it sits in your sitting room, and doesn't really even qualify as a conversation piece, as most people try to avoid looking at it.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
This week you'll be prone to arguments, so try and be as patient as possible in that smug, condescending manner you tend to have.
If you don't get into a lot of arguments, you may get punched often, for being so smug.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
This week will be like a good book for you.
How a book translates to a week, I have no idea, and the moon's just dropped behind the building across the street, so I'm not really sure how that turns out for you, sorry.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Pluto says you should put all of your money on the Republic of Ireland in Euro 2000 this week.
Light (and football results) taking a little bit longer to get way out there, it's understandable that Pluto doesn't have much in the way of good advice for betting on football.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
A confident outlook on Life will help you get past major hurdles this week.
That and lots of training. Long legs help, too.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Your eyes sparkle a lot like the stars, or so says your lover (or some random person, at any rate) this week.
Friday sees a class action suit from the real stars for copyright infringement and infringment upon the patent they have wherein they claim to have patented all "star-like shiney things." If you look closely at the signatories, Amazon is not amongst them.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Undue pressure at work results from a machine breaking down at the old compressed air factory.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
I really wish I could give you some good news about your horoscope, but there's not really a lot. Only that it can't possibly be worse than the one Libras just got.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
A washed-up pop singer offers to shine your shoes this week.
Besides that, nothing else is outstanding about your week, and halfway through everyone's dialogue is replaced with simply "blah blah blah." Though every third meaningless syllable does seem to sound an awful lot like '18th century aestheticism' by the end of the week.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Have a jam tart.
And then accompany your favourite toy to a remote desert warm sunny island with nice beaches.

[Horoscopes. mix's back! again! wahey!]