Taurus April 20 - May 20
There are three great golden ages of humankind.
The Greeks', the Romans', and you're mostly positive that the third is Take That's, if not Robbie Williams' all to himself.

Leo July 23 - August 22
You have to put up with annoying Tauri this week, trying to tell you all about Robbie's new single, the latest gossip about himself and Liam going at it again through the lovely conduit of the daily papers, and the trousers he was wearing to a swish party on Friday evening (also courtesy of the dailies).
You have legal recourse and precedent to harm any such Tauri, you know.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
A grapefruit every day of this week will ensure good fortune for the rest of the year for you and all the people that owe you money.
So long as you don't visit Florida, as we hear grapefruit are particularly vengeful, and thorough in their revenge, which is why you never hear about the scores of grapefruit farmers that simply "disappear".

Gemini May 21 - June 20
You've been chosen this week to represent your sign in the 2004 Olympics in Athens!
Exactly what you'll be doing, we're not entirely sure, but you'd better get going knitting a flag for the opening cermonies right now!

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
A long look in the mirror on Wednesday, a day on which nothing normally happens, will reveal that you've got huge smears all over the mirror, and you're not exactly sure how they got there.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Yoghurt makes your week intolerable this week.
It may only be contained to strawberry yoghurt, but there's a good chance it's plain, blueberry, and many many more flavours that find you horoscopally un-palatable this week.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
If you were to cut off your nose to spite your face it'd probably be one hell of a row you'd had with your face...

Aries March 21 - April 19
I'll be back in a bit, I've popped out to get dinner.
Your week will resemble a frozen pizza. Whether it's before or after cooking is up to you. Free will is a wonderful thing.

Libra September 23 - October 22
You will tip copiously on drinks this week.
A good deal of friends will remark that they couldn't have made it through 14 pints like that without having fallen over earlier.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You find a great big gaping sort of huge old hole in the horoscopes this week.
Oh, and it just so happens to fall on yours yet again!
Bad luck, that.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The official line is that you were only looking for your keys, but we all know you were really looking for the lost soul of Roberto Balthazar, the legendary Spanish styrofoam tycoon, hoping to trade it in for a fair price with the agents from Greenpeace you'd met in that dark, dank alley oh so many years ago in Panama City, no questions asked, by you or by them.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The stars will wibble on in your ear this week about islands and beaches and such stuff like that, probably driving you quite mad.
Or drive you to book a holiday to a suitable island and beach and such stuff.
A small ferret will befriend you, and while you can never have too many friends, you can have too many friends with sharp little teeth.

[Horoscopes. Ahhh...]