Taurus April 20 - May 20
Make sure you have the pasta this week, they do excellent pasta.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Grapes, thrown with much force, can penetrate an armoured tank.
This you find out (or assume, at any rate), after trying to throw grapes at a milk bottle, and getting no closer to the milk on the inside.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
A group of friendly lemmings have unfortunately, due to highway development, been forced to change their seasonal route of leaping off a cliff into the ocean had to suffice with leaping from the back of your couch.
The good news is that a good deal less of them die from the fall, and only get mildly angry when a clumsy lemming causes a bit of a pile up at the bottom of the couch.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Three times this week you will be approached by a mystic from the East.
Or you'll just happen to watch your tape of Eastenders three times this week. Either way.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Caramel milk shakes are heaven on Earth.
Which doesn't bode well for you if you don't like caramel, though maybe you can bring your own drinks...

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Mercury is concerned about your grooming habits lately.
It may have been the pink headband that got them to finally express their concern.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
A little bird will tell you to look both ways crossing the street.
Whether you knew that already or not, it's impolite not to say "Thank you."

Aries March 21 - April 19
Aries sounds quite a bit like 'air.' Which still doesn't mean you can fly, and I'm sure you remember your early, failed, experiments at flying of the steps with an umbrella...

Libra September 23 - October 22
Be sure to support the Republic of Ireland in Euro 2000 this summer.
Which will make the tournament all the more exciting and people will say you've a tremendous, and laudable, imagination.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Paul McCartney appears in the horoscopes this week!
Not in yours, though, you don't get one.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
An oddly shaped cloud will offer to tell your fortune this week.
However, they'll be charging 50p, and, since you can't justify giving a cloud 50p (largely because you've no idea where they'd put it), you pass.
The rest of your week will be florid.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your week will be a coconut and chocolate chip cookie.

[Horoscopes. Start your own business.]