Taurus April 20 - May 20
This week is dedicated to bananas. But not any normal bananas. Oh no.
We mean the ones all mashed up in a blender with various other fruits, then poured into a nice tall glass and, after an initial attempt to drink it, left there until it dawns on you to dump it in the bin.

Leo July 23 - August 22
This one is a special dedication to anyone who's ever put their tshirt on inside-out.
And not noticed it before someone else.
Your week will be spiffy.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
This week is dedicated to the spirit of innovation and whoever made all of those little gadgets that no one ever buys from the supermarket that invariably involve rubber, a bit of metal, and something that you twist to make the metal and rubber twirl.
Your week will be shiney.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Dedicated to rebels everywhere!
Mattress tags and the landed establishment be damned!
You will stop showering this week and wear a beret. Your friends will be grateful for next week.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
This is dedicated to any sort of design that tiles well.
Your days will be indistinguishable from one another this week.
This could be because your calendaring application isn't very well programmed.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Your week will be suspiciously missing the letter 'K'.
It's dedicated to jam doughnuts.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
This horoscope is dedicated to Harry Houdini.
You spend Thursday handcuffed to a chair at work.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Your week is dedicated to trees.
Printing out this horoscope and sticking it to your board alongside your Dilbert cartoon is a nice way to keep a constant reminder of our silent friends around. Tattooing this horoscope on your arm is also a reminder, but of something different.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Dedicated to Audrey Hepburn.
This week is full of beetles.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
This horoscope dedicated to Engelbert Humperdink.
Ha ha, no, just kidding. Dedicated to a small mushroom named Billy.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
This is dedicated to spare change and paying for your groceries with a garbage bag full of two pence coins.
You will get stuck in a queue at the grocer's behind someone doing just that.
Oh, and a small bear will trundle into towne and eat any shrubbery and small children loitering outside your flat.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
This one's dedicated to all the love monkeys out there who believe in the metaphysical properties of underwear (which involves the principle, somewhat ill thought out, that if you touch someone's underwear, you yourself no longer need any. Don't ask me, it's not my principle).

[Horoscopes. Story of yourself?]