Taurus April 20 - May 20
There is no one to blame but yourself for the large mound of plastic peanuts in your living room.
No one to blame except yourself, but plenty of other people to accuse.
Mercury suggests Bill.

Leo July 23 - August 22
There is a decided lack of cute and furry animals in your horoscope this week.
And you will take care to note that it makes Life considerably less enjoyable, though you do now have an interesting statistic to talk about around the watercooler.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Numerology is a dangerous game to play, especially when you're playing with knives.
Most seasoned numerologists, by the way, will object to you playing numerology with knives, and will show their disapproval by glaring at you.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Like a fluffy pink cloud, you will spend your week looking like cotton candy.
Whether or not this is a good thing depends on how comfortable you are having people lick you (and, I suppose, the quality of people licking you, as well).

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The Earth is three-quarters covered by water. This fact does very little for those of you Capricorns stuck in the chimney this week, after attempting to discover if your flat didn't have some mysterious past resident who saw fit to leave his collection of gold doubloons in a well-hidden place.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Angry delivermen stage a small revolt outside your door, when they find out your "Beware of Dog" sign doesn't have the requisite backing canine. And your stuffed one doesn't count, they protest.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
A well-cared for napkin can be a friend for Life. Especially if your friend who liked to play with the occult happened to turn themselves into a napkin.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Karaoke is the perfect remedy to a horrible week.
You will find yourself singing "My Way," by Frank, at the end of the week, whilst wearing hotpants. The hotpants may or not be the reason why you need a remedy for the week.

Libra September 23 - October 22
To celebrate May Day, spend your first day back in the office after reading this horoscope dancing around your co-workers, preferably putting your hand on the top of their head. (In addition to being fun, this allows you to see who's wearing a wig in the office.)

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
As the great guru Farrah Fawcett always says, "Once bitten, twice on the lam."
Or maybe that wasn't Farrah Fawcett. It was possibly Plato. Either way, Scorpios' horoscope this week is conspicuously absent.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Wonton soup gives you considerable difficulty this week. So much so that the waiter at your last stop takes back your original fortune cookie, and replaces it with a suspicious-looking cookie held together with Scotch tape (no offense to the Scots, mind you) and a bit of glue, it appears, containing a hand-written missive, warning you off eating any more wonton soup.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
An ancient sage once told you, or a good friend of yourself, that wealth and fame would not be the answer to all of your problems.
After much debate, and daring to prove her wrong, should she only let you borrow some wealth and fame for a bit, you went away empty-handed. And on that path away from the sage, you found another sage, who said, "The meek shall inherit the Earth."
And you punched him and nicked his sandals, which were of a substantially better quality than your own.
Remember these lessons well this week, my child.

[Horoscopes. Narrative form, it's very, very hip.]