Taurus April 20 - May 20
The Santorini weather forecast says it's going to be in the seventies all week, though rainy at the end.
Plan accordingly, and forget what the stars say this week.

Leo July 23 - August 22
A fortuitous sombrero will help you through your week.
A note on how to use the sombrero for help: We don't recommend using it for physical support, as they tend to crumble under heavy pressure. And no, we're not saying you're heavy, just heavier than what sombreros are used to supporting.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
You'd expect sombrero, the cultural centre of so much joy and dancing on hats, to have a more uplifting root word than 'sombre', wouldn't you?
Eat strawberry ice cream this week.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
The fabric of space-time stays healthily intact this week, leaving you no choice but to go back in to work, with a somewhat sheepish grin on your face.
Your faith in telemarketers goes down tremendously.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Last week's horoscope was considerably more interactive.
That doesn't give you the excuse to sit around this week.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
I like those shoes.
Tackle a stranger this week.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Make like a soup can and get outta here!
So screams your friendly neighbourhood (and now suspected nutcase) grocer when you attempt to buy carrots this week.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Your horoscope is almost prohibitively low on the page. Definitely below the fold.
And not a very good one. Alas.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Invade Poland this week. Or wait, that might be a tub of chocolate swirl ice cream.
It's your judgement call, really.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
The wait for a horoscope from this point is 10 years.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Fettucini alfredo strikes fear into the hearts of the world's leaders, but you know it's real secret.
A small man from the Ukraine will visit you this week.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The hearts and minds of a nation will be captivated this week, as you set off on your defiant journey to conquer the long revered feat of sleeping through an entire day! Only getting up for maybe a glass of water and to fetch some jelly beans, and maybe a new book! What feats of daring!
Maroon looks best on you this week.

[Horoscopes. Internal only, this week. Top filmmakers come to sanemagazine!]