Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will keep your mouth shut this week.
This may be in part due to the inordinate amount of peanut butter you eat.
And the fact that, as an unfunny joke, someone put glue in your peanut butter.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Out there you will find Love. And your wallet.
Thursday is Love Day, Wednesday is Wallet Day.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Mercury in your sign this week means a bee in your bonnet.
The correlation isn't entirely clear, though it will mean you should wear your other hat this week.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Twice this week you will see fame and fortune.
Unfortunately it will be Madonna leaving the house, then herself again, going to back to the house, realising she'd left her grocery list behind.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Be careful what you wish for.
If you wish for a three tonnes of raw hewn rope, don't expect it to come in a nice neat package.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
If that's your milk spilled in the hallway, it'd be much appreciate if you were to clean it up. This week.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Beads play a large role (and not roll) in your week.
You find the green ones especially enchanting. Though, and we hate to break it to you, those are peas.

Aries March 21 - April 19
After all is said and done, you have a delightful week.
While things are being said and done it's rather painfully boring, though a piano rolling down the stairwell in your apartment building does provide entertainment enough, especially as you're on the landing above the runaway piano.

Libra September 23 - October 22
The stars portend a whole lot of porridge in your future.
This is what happens when you register at too many websites.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
*** ^{(Network out of range)}

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your feet go missing on Tuesday.
We recommend getting somewhere comfortable where you don't mind spending the rest of the week on Tuesday morning or so. The earlier the better, just in case.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your week is torn, viciously, between the early Monday decision: Sour cream or Salt and vinegar.
While no one is hurt beyond all repair, you're bound to inspire a certain degree of wariness and ill will amongst certain parties, this week.
Due to the week being torn, however, none of this matters to you, as you're able to bring it back and exchange it for a lovely pair of running shoes.

[Horoscopes. Monkeys and bagels, all in one. Wow!]