Taurus April 20 - May 20
The right amount of water will sooth the savage beast.
Generally large chunks, frozen, will do it.
This may not come in handy this week, but definitely within the next two. All I have to say is "rabid marmoset."

Leo July 23 - August 22
This week features a frightening amount of marsupials, look out that you're not next!
(Of course, you can't catch a marsupial, but they seem to be virus-like this week, certainly.)
(NB. You can catch a marsupial, but we didn't mean it like that. So stop it.)

Virgo August 23 - September 22
There is a brief pause in your week>
Unfortunately, you get stuck with one foot in mid-kick at your local grocer for continuing to stock dodgy carrots. Unfortunately because he's then allowed to see it coming, and leap out of the way, which he'd never have been able to do, had you not had that pause in your week.
Sometimes it's better to just keep running.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
You receive a cool gadget in the mail, James Bond style.
Fortunately for you, as you only rent, nothing in the package explodes. Inside the house, anyway.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Venus in your house of Laundry this week means you'll have a fruitful encounter with a candlestick maker this week.
Venus has never been a big one on laundry.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will have a frizzy week, due to a whole lot of static caused simply by the idea of going for a hot air balloon ride.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will have a fun week.
Real fun. And you won't have to eat one bit of spinach at all.

Aries March 21 - April 19
I have no groceries in my house. Will you go pick some up for me?
After that bit of awkwardness last week, none of the sanemagazine staff are allowed in.

Libra September 23 - October 22
No one trusts a sticky Libra.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Once, you had a horoscope. Once, when the birds ran free and people smelled of rosewood, often.
This is not then.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
No amount of badgering can get a pet lizard to return from the grave.
No amount of badgering will get them out of the peanut butter, either, once they've gotten in good.
This can either be taken as a metaphor for Life, or taken as it is.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will discover Victoria Station this week!
The hordes of rushing people and trains departing semi-regularly when you arrive will not deter your enthusiasm for this rare find, this auspicious discovery.
You will also discover a hot dog from one of the vendors, dripping with melted cheese!
And the ancient art of tickling! Or wait, no, you just kick someone who jumps the queue in front of you.

[Horoscopes. Supertart announces their WAP service. Ooooooh.]