Taurus April 20 - May 20
This little piggy went to market.
An enthusiastic but misguided big game hunter follows it the entire way, only to be stumped by the sliding glass doors and, once inside, a pyramid of string beans.

Leo July 23 - August 22
This little piggy stayed home.
Nothing was on the tele, however, the piggy sat around, watching this drivel, ate too much absentmindedly (made absent by aforementioned lack of things on tele), and wound up serving a family of thirty-six at the spring feast.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
This little piggy ate roast beef.
And giggled the entire time. You see, pigs don't like cows very much at all, it turns out.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
While this little piggy had none.
And was forced, due to the social and political climate, to work all day in the fields. The fact that the little pig was the one out in the field, working, and was also the one with nothing did occur to the little pig, but s/he was waiting for the concept of a merit-and-need based system to work it's way to the barnyard animals.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
And this little piggy went whee whee whee, all the way home.
I'm not entirely sure I've gotten all of these right. And little children, discerning judges that they are sometimes, didn't seem too fussed by any omissions/errors I may have made.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Your week will glow with the glow of something that you've just rubbed against your sweater.
If you just imagined a nubile young woman rubbing a bald old man's head against her sweater, deduct three points.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
A bowl of water, given just the proper momentum, can irrigate an entire field of rice for years to come. That's if it's a huge, huge bowl.
A somewhat smaller bowl of water, given just the proper momentum again, can bonk off the far wall, and slosh water all over the wall, then the floor, then the wall, then the floor again. This works best if you've hardwood floors.

Aries March 21 - April 19
If you use the phrase "don't have kittens", or any such variation of the aforementioned phrase, the full import of what you have been so flippantly saying will hit you full force on Thursday. When you fail to have kittens.
Which isn't strange, I guess, if you're not a cat, at all.

Libra September 23 - October 22
A tablecloth, one made of muted colours and fabric, could pass as a dress, albeit a rather frumpy dress.
These are thoughts one has when the laundry bin piles high.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Whoosh!
If you were slightly more alert, you would have caught your horoscope whooshing by.
Okay, that wasn't your horoscope, I was just joking.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Turnips will "turn up" in your week, causing you to wax lyrical on the merry way things have of just being oddly apt, sometimes. A good chuckle will be had by all. When an elephant sits on a houseguest of yours the chuckles will fade slightly, and be replaced by an awkward silence, but for the squishy sounds your houseguest makes.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your elephant seems to have escaped this week.
If chocolate were tulip petals, you'd have a whole lot of Dutch people extrememly happy all of a sudden. Unless they didn't like chocolate.
This week is for you.

[Horoscopes. this thing is so incredibly cool. turn gravity off.]