Taurus April 20 - May 20
There are times you wish you'd kept that promise to never again sneeze on a Welshman.
Coughing in the general direction of a Welsh cat, you find this week, is another promise you'll be wanting to make. And keep.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Venus in the Second House of Heliotropes means you're going to discover a new element beginning with the letter 'F' this week. We won't spoil the surprise and tell you what is going to happen to your kitchen, either.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Well into Tuesday you're going to realise this isn't going to be your week.
The realisation comes when you see your eighteenth Sun Microsystems banner pasted firmly to your favourite sweater.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Ants make a big anthill in your living room this week. Which is what they're supposed to do.
What they're not supposed to do is complain that there isn't enough milk in their tea. They do, anyway.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
A silence will fall over your house this week.
Shortly followed by a loudness. Then another silence. Then another loudness. Then a silence again.
You might think there'd be some point to all of it, but there isn't, really.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Like a rock upon the ocean, so will go your week.
My advice is to wear something that you don't mind if it gets wet.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Caffeinated beverages will be the focal point of your week.
They will wiggle and bounce a bit, but you'd expect that from caffeinated beverages.

Aries March 21 - April 19
You will see that it isn't dog that's man's best friend, but Harold, from down the street. Or so he promises to be, if you lend him two quid.

Libra September 23 - October 22
If you're unsure whether or not that food has or shall go bad, it's best to ask someone, before attempting to eat it. Trial and error is not a good philosophy in such cases.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Whsst! Wanna buy a horoscope?
Oh, we bet you'd like to.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
On two separate occasions you are told the secret of Life lies in cottage cheese this week, which leads you to believe there may be something in that adage.
Though you really don't have the desire to go mucking about through a load of cottage cheese, to tell the truth.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The stars in the sky shine for you, and you alone. Which either leaves the rest of the people in darkness, or you're nice enough to share.

[Horoscopes. folk is a good place to start. or finish. then off to 'tart.]