The Top Ten Horoscopes for 13 - 20 March 2000
disqualified. Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Due to technical difficulties, we're not able to type the word 'Scorpio' this week, and thus have to remove them from the top ten list of horoscopes for this week, March, 2000.

10. Taurus April 20 - May 20
With a fresh, spunky attitude, Taurus entered the charts at number 2 four weeks ago.
Four weeks old now, they're not quite so fresh as they once were, and now sit at number ten, and have already met and traded stories with the boys from Westlife.

9. Leo July 23 - August 22
With a bullet!
This may cause some consternation amongst clerks at grocery stores, as they are generally frightened of patrons wielding heavy weaponry of any sort.

8. Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your week is televised on BBC 4 and, in a striking coincidence, channel 4 in the United States of America. It appears to be a re-run, however.

7. Gemini May 21 - June 20
The dates beside your sign, by the way, indicate which dates you were born within, not the current week, in case any of you were confused about it always being the same time period.

6. Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You get invited on John Peel's show this week.
Not really being one for the instruments, you look slightly out of place, humming the only tune that pops into your head, Will Smiths' song. The one that has the "wiggy wiggy" bit in it. You expect to drop to at least number nine next week based on your performance.

5. Cancer June 21 - July 22
A large blob of ice cream, coupled with the tense political situation in Central America all conspire to make your week hectic, when you're approached by a Panamanian operative disguised as a blob of ice cream, who begs you to follow him. Your week gets less hectic when, in the mild weather, he melts a bit, trips, and slips right down a drainage grate.

4. Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your pop bubbliness propels you to number 4, the highest you've ever gotten on the charts.
Your record company releases the book they'd had written about you years ago. You are now able to start a healthy cocaine or health food habit (depending on your preference/genre).

3 (tie). Aries March 21 - April 19
You're tied with Libra this week. They always do that. Always try and move in on your spotlight.
You should really get over it, though, as you're only number three. No one's even ever made up a good saying about someone finishing third like, "Three third places are as good as a first," because it's not a fantastic achievement, really.

3 (tie). Libra September 23 - October 22
I am holding a number in my left hand, if you guess it, I'll give you the rest of this week off... ready?
No, wrong. It was 8, and you were cheating anyway.

2. Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your washing this week is terribly exciting. It will inspire you to do many new and exciting things in your Life. One of which includes ironing! However, once the wash is done, the inspiration is gone, and the ironing never gets done. Ah well, I know your pain well.

1. Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The top horo this week is Aquarius. You may collect £200, you may pass 'Go', or you may sit back, after having performed on the National Lottery show and a few other naff award shows, and be waited on by a staff of boy/girl-toys, depending on your preference and availability. Sadly, we have no more boy-toys in grey, they've all been assigned, and those that weren't sat around too long, got ideas in their heads, and formed a boy band. Sorry.

[Horoscopes. go play.]