Taurus April 20 - May 20
It will become painfully apparent this week that starch is one thing that one can most certainly have too much of.
Black currant jam is another, though less painfully, if a bit stickily apparent.

Leo July 23 - August 22
The stars see you having a week of high-speed car chases.
They suggest trading in your Mini for something that looks a little cooler when you're involved in a high-speed chase, though.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
A small explosion of lettuce against your kitchen window means that the evil Lettuce Lord has returned from his forty year exile to wage war on your Fair Citie again.
You just better hope and pray you've remembered to keep your shield and sword fresh and clean for this most crucial of battles. And don't look surprised like you didn't expect this day to come.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Your television spontaneously combusts this week, the third instance of a major household appliance or furnishing spontaneously combusting in your new flat.
Or so you thought it was spontaneous, until you catch your dog with a rather large tin of lighter fluid and hanging out with a tough-looking crowd. On Thursday.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
A spot on your favourite shirt this week cause no end of embarassment at a dinner party.
Probably because it's a daub of PlayDoh.
And because you've also forgotten to wear trousers. Come to think of it, it may have been the (lack of) trousers more than the PlayDoh, causing the embarassment.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Don't trust anyone that uses "wonker" as an adjective, when it's very obviously meant to be a noun.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
An oil painting of three sheep by a river play a big part in your week.
It also happens to play a large part in your soup. Literally. Or the bowl, anyway, the contents of which was recently displaced by a painting of three sheep by a river.

Aries March 21 - April 19
"Aries" sounds very airy and light, if you say it out loud.
Try skipping about this week, to emphasise how light and airy a person you are, being an Aries. Extra points for flapping your arms.

Libra September 23 - October 22
A simple kitchen sponge can go a long way towards patching up broken relationships. Especially if soaked shortly in industrial-strength glue and applied to the estranged person's shoulder, then your own.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
There was a tiny disturbance in the Force this week.
It had little to do with Scorpios, as they have no horoscope, and thus aren't officially recognised by the Force as an official thing it might want to influence.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
There is nothing like sailing down a river, lying on your back in the middle of a little rowboat, letting the current carry you on, evermore towards the sea as you stare at the sky.
Due to the potential for getting wet, bandits, and pirhanas, we recommend a similar experience, which is lying on your couch, staring at the ceiling. If you have the television on and it's playing a nature show, or a fishing show, it's almost exactly the same thing, really.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A big moment this week causes the next hour or so following to be rather awkward, the minutes immediately following are small, big, small, small, big, huge, and small, in an attempt to allow you to finish your day at the same time as everyone else.

[Horoscopes. See if Feed fails to mention us for the 320th week in a row.]