Taurus April 20 - May 20
Corn or corns will play an interesting role in your week. They will be playing the part of Moses, much to Charlton Heston's chagrin.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Feed the bears.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Popsicles are not to be used as offensive weapons. Defensive, maybe, but certainly not offensive. And not in the winter.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
The grass grows greener on the other side. However, you can spread all sorts of claims about it being Genetically Modified, and have the boycotters over in no time, trampling it into a nice, brown, sludgy mess.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Remember the Alamo, and where you put your sunglasses. The second could save you a trip down to the shoppe to get another pair of sunglasses after you've sat on the first pair (which could, arguably, be sunglasses purpose in Life, anyway).

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Petting turtles, especially when you're not sure whether or not they're snapping turtles isn't a terribly brilliant idea. Now petting giraffes, even snapping giraffes, is generally okay.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
A stitch in Time confirms that Time is a bit of a dodgily thrown together construct and is, even as we speak, coming apart at the seams.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Your week resembles an Edgar Allan Poe story. Possibly luckily, this resemblence will range from being tied in a dark room with a pendulum swinging ever closer to a bunch of kids on the street circling you, taunting you with their yo-yo skills.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Gutenburg had you in mind when he invented the printing press and grape juice.
Which pretty much destroys the popular theory that he was thinking, "Chicken," when he invented the two greatest inventions of all time.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You have no horoscope this week, save a little sage advice.
Oh, wait, no, I've forgotten that now, too.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You experience zero gravity when Friday evening, after a lovely night out, down to the Mexican restaurant on the corner, then off to the pub. Or maybe just indigestion.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You find a really nice pen this week.
It comes in handy, especially it's razor-sharp switchblade feature, when someone jokingly refers to the pen being mightier than the sword. They'll never joke about that again.

[Horoscopes. hey, mix back.]