Taurus April 20 - May 20
You get a giant green bean in the post this week.
Oh, yes, it appears to be one of those weeks where beans just happen to show up in the most unlikely places. Like on the telephone handset...

Leo July 23 - August 22
A kidney bean on your handset prevents you from making that call to the doctor, so you might say a kidney bean stuck on your phoneset, in addition to an apple a day, keeps the doctor away.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Lima beans were always my favourite, but are well known for being the most vicious of the bean family. Stay clear of any you might see wandering down the street.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
For legal reasons, we cannot specify what sort of role string beans play in your week.
But do not let them near the punch.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Baked beans surprise you for being surprisingly resilient this week. And they bounce, didn't you know? (Not recommended to actually test that statement without at least fifteen metres clearance of anything you value or that might get upset with having baked bean juice on it.)

Cancer June 21 - July 22
A squad of Mexican Jumping Beans escape the local prison and wreak havoc on your neighbourhood this week.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
While a pea isn't technically a bean, I've always lumped them in the same family. Oddly enough, whilst lumping them, I always made sure to keep them separate on the dinner plate. I suggest you order your week accordingly.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Mr. Bean will have nothing to do with your week.
Which is just the sort of attitude you've been trying to create in him, as you were a bit sick of him hanging out by your front door each morning, doing that daft mumbling thing he does.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Liquified Super Beans aren't actually a food, but a genetically modified bean created from the best traits of Shetland ponies, ficus plants, and gangrene. Truth be told, not much of the gangrene went in.
Your week will be frilly.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
No beans for you.
But a small dog befriends you, seeing you sitting by the curbside, horoscope and bean-less.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Stud(Boy/Girl) strikes again!
(No, I have no idea what ths means.)

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your week is a massive effort in the campaign to get jelly beans legalised.
It isn't until Thursday, and four days spent on the run from the gardai in a Mini you'd hijacked out by the park, that you realise jelly beans could, quite possibly already be legal. And hence the giant bag of jelly beans you'd been stuffing your face with in bold view of the gardai in front of your local government house might not have been the political display you'd thought it was.

[Horoscopes. public beta this week.]