Taurus April 20 - May 20
Alfalfa sprouts make your week all that it can be. And fluffy.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Follow the jade elephant to your destiny.
It, being jade, isn't likely to move very much, so be sure to place it in an advantageous place at the outset.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Microwaves make horrible, horrible replacements for a javelin. Just to save you the trouble on Thursday, when this comes up.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
If you've got to go, you've got to go. However, we've hidden your keys in the soil of one of the plants in the house, and you've got to find them before you go.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
A meteor explodes into your living room this week, settling directly on the couch. You make jokes with your friends about your "new visitor" and dress it up in a smock. Little did you know this is the worst thing you could do to a meteor.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
I have a box of sparklers here. Hmm. That'll teach you to value the shiney things in Life.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Like ivy growing on a wall, your week will be very green. And vertical.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Dirt, I still insist, is a wildly fun word to say. Over and over again.

Libra September 23 - October 22
On a mid-sized envelope in the middle of the Serenghetti is the name of a man who is extremely good at washing carpets.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Are you still here?
Persistence has it's rewards, you know. No horoscope this week.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Since I can't seem to see any stars at the moment, I'm going to take a wild stab and say your week looks promising, with lots of ehmm... ehh... empty pizza boxes.
Which hopefully were not empty, at some point during which you got to see them, as well.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
This week is null and void. Do not attempt to redeem it, do not attempt to trade it in for another one. Just lie in bed, maybe hire someone to bring you drinks and food every once in a while, rub your feet and your back, draw a bath for you, and just sit it out.
If it goes well enough for you, you may want to consider boycotting weeks, in the future, to get the same sort of treatment.

[Horoscopes. awww.]