Taurus April 20 - May 20
This time around, try picking an answer like "I'll have the chicken" and not anything quite so caustic as last week's "Piss off, the lot of you."
That isn't from the stars, that's from me, just common sense, really.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Bananas are an excellent source of calcium, and guaranteed to protect you from the gout.
In case you were worried.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
There is no good solution, really, for someone sticking a fork in your front door, preventing you from leaving the house. You might as well just hang out inside and enjoy it.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Has my fruity drink arrived yet?

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Could really use a foot rub as well.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Catastrophic salt accident.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Oh nice, and someone's stolen my bed now. The sacrifices I make...

Aries March 21 - April 19
If you go dancing in a forest, and no one's around, will "Waterloo" necessarily come on next to last?

Libra September 23 - October 22
You could do to send some new music.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
I like wearing my sweatshirt.
You have no horoscope.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
This bit of surrealism brought to you by a very reliable shampoo.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Monkeys will invade your week, leaving you breathless and happy for weeks to come. This may or may not be an easy way out of making your birthday week next week a good horoscope.

[Horoscopes. conversion of sanemagazine?]