Taurus April 20 - May 20
A donkey appears in your week.

Leo July 23 - August 22
The Sistine Chapel could conceivably have been painted this week, so many, many years ago.
It's impressive to think of these potentially auspicious weeks sometimes.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Don't eat the green things at any parties this weekend, they're most likely olives. Which, I guess, is okay to eat, come to think of it, if you want to eat olives.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
The donkey from the Tauri's week is accompanied by the giraffe in your week.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The donkey from the Tauri's week and the giraffe from the Gemini's week are followed by a water buffalo, which sits in your week.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Strawberry ice cream should factor heavily into your choice of wardrobe this week.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
I believe you have my socks. Could I have those back this week?

Aries March 21 - April 19
Descartes was thinking something entirely different than that, so you might want to rethink you position on Spanish cuisine.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Watusi this week, you'll thank your lucky stars.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Hey, look, isn't that Elvis?
Oh, and you've no horoscope this week.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You should always, especially after Friday, account for being bitten by the hair of the dog that erm... bit err... you. Ehm. Mercury seems especially difficult to read this week.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The world is transformed for you this week.
Now, it'd be nice if you chose something sensible, like a bouncey castle, or a giant swimming pool, and nothing too ridiculous, putting us all through one of those naff Disney film plots.

[Horoscopes. see reference b.]