Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your week appears to have a large air bubble stuck under it on Thursday or so.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Painting the falt this week? We advise not taking in too much of the fumes. Or eating it. Even if it isn't lead-based.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
'A taco a day will keep the doctor away' never became a terribly popular saying, but with your arm and deadly accuracy, the doctor is afraid to come by the house now.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Hell is not going to freeze over this week, so what the young attractive one said to you is not likely to happen this week.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Capricorn has the week off this week. The world's bakeries go still, their workforce being almost exclusively Capricorn.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Lint does not make that kind of noise. Especially not at half past midnight from underneath your bed.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
If you live in a house of stone, that's still no excuse to go around, throwing glass.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Your stomach rumblings will cause you no end of trouble this week when they're apparently learned to talk, and they aren't happy, not one bit.

Libra September 23 - October 22
If you live near the ocean, go down to the strand and toss a pebble into the water.
Now try tossing in your television. Considerably more difficult, isn't it?

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Due to the Horoscopal Board of Integrity and Chocolate Muffins ruling in Sonatra v. Mayflower ('88) you're allowed one phone call this week.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Nylon rope is the solution for holding together that ailing business, relationship, or automobile.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
If all you wanted for Christmas were your two front teeth, it makes sense to ask for crumpets (or one, anyway) for your birthday.
If this is going to get you in serious trouble (Bond-style international espionage type trouble) you might want to skip it and just ask for a new hat.

[Horoscopes. .]