Taurus April 20 - May 20
Curry is your food of the week.
Smear some chicken curry on your doorpost and cats will be licking at your door.
And you may have good luck this week. Or just a lot of cats, again, licking at your door.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Your food of the week are cheese dogs.
If you order one from the vendor in the park (who generally closes shoppe when he sees you approaching, and this means you must have snuck up on him), your food of the week may not be entirely (or at all) a) edible or b) made from elements in the periodic table.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Grapes are your food of the week this week.
It's slightly healthier than what anyone else has had so far, so you're the most likely to make it through the week without a heart attack.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Your food of the week is a carrot.
Just one carrot, and nothing else.
Okay, maybe dip, too.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your food of the week is pudding with a side of bacon.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Your food of the week is a gumball.
Blue.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your food of the week is a chicken-flavoured pellet that astronauts eat whilst in space because the lack of gravity in space makes real food taste like charcoal.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Your food of the week is a drippy chicken thing.
Good luck getting one from Abrekebabra, they only serve some drippy chippy things, now.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Your food of the week is spinach.
You may spend the week looking ridiculous and talking funny, like the cartoon.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You will have no food this week, having no horoscope. Sorry, them's the rules.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your food of the week will be stolen by a marauding pack of chickadees.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your food of the week is spicey duck salad. Which is a metaphor for so very much.

[Horoscopes. the weekly.]