Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will find yourself involved in a horrible supermarket accident this week. Unfortunately, it's left a cucumber lodged in your ear so the Real Audio portion of this horoscope is useless to you.

Leo July 23 - August 22
A curling iron and cheese (cottage) willl play an integral role in your Love Life this week.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
A hasty decision and a slow-witted clerk see you through the week with eighteen tins of fish food. This works out well if you are a fish, or own one, but otherwise it may seem a bit odd having a pyramid of fish food tins in your pantry.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Your week is not safe.
Hide it in the cupboard this week.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Chocolate, even moreso than diamonds, are a girl's best friend. However, it withstands being worn on one's finger considerably less well than a diamond.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Cancer has an IPO this week, and you've all become filthy rich.
This works out well for you for a little while, until it's learned that all your investors happen to be a twelve year old faking a large bank account in Switzerland.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Do not get your feet wet this week, you'll regret it.
I suggest this in the utmost of confidences, of course.

Aries March 21 - April 19
I want you to step outside of your house, sniff the wintery air (not those of you in the Southern Hemisphere, of course), and tell me what you see.
If you see a beige Aston Martin parked on your kerb, that's mine, and I'll be over to pick it up in a bit.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Dig a big pit this week, you never know when it'll come in handy, like a spy is chasing you into your living room and never expects the giant pit you've dug to be there. If you can fill it with a tiger, bonus.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
The Board of Horoscopal Integrity grants you one last meal before your sentencing.
Erm... wait, I mean, you've still got no horoscope.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You were put on this planet to stop tooth decay.
Such is your mission from Venus this week.
Good luck.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Due to unforeseen circumstances, your week is punctuated by the murder scene of a grisly crime, it appears. Until you get closer, that is, and you see that it's red liquorice, and not blood.
You keep muttering something about "beach boy toy" all week.

[Horoscopes. where would we be without t-shirts? Coming soon.]