Taurus April 20 - May 20
The teeth of a thousand ants and the toenails of a dozen or so monkeys shall torment your sleep.
That's what you get for pissing off the old Egyptian man by the tube station Wednesday last.

Leo July 23 - August 22
It's not what you think, it's what you do.
Therefore, that stunt you just pulled with the peanut butter, my favourite lampshade, and the duvet cover was not a good reflection on yourself, no matter what you were thinking.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Mercury makes your week one magnificent week.
When you realise you hadn't gotten Mercury anything this year, then you feel really bad. Stopping at a petrol station and picking up an air freshener is not really a nice option.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
You meet a nice stranger this week who will go on to become an extremely annoying acquaintance when he follows you all around towne and insists on accompanying you home and who manages to always show up at the parties you attend.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Due to the horoscopes being late you've spent the last two days lying in bed, and missed the opportunity to meet Paul McCartney, who was the ardent doorbell-ringer at your door two days ago, which we would have predicted for you, had we not been jet-lagged and spending quality-time.
Sorry about that.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
You make a noise like a fish this week.
I think it goes: "*pok* *pok* *pok*". You're a weird one, you are.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
I see large boxes, large, heavy boxes, in your future.
Come on, tell me I'm wrong, I dare you.
I'd help you move them, but, you know, my arms, erm... lost 'em in school, along with my copy of Boswell's journals. Ah well.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Your week will be spent in deepest contemplation of the mysteries of the broom, how it came about, what those little fibres are, if they aren't straw, the ingenious use of a whip-like handle, and exactly how much you hate actually using the thing.

Libra September 23 - October 22
A horde of Huns (not, incidentally, from Hartford, Heresford, or Hampshire) make you r week a bit of a nightmare. What with the looting and pillaging of your kitchen, when you try to invite them in for tea. So much for looking for the best in people.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You note that the horoscope writer has, yet again, cheekily relied on the conceit of a troupe of long-dispersed barbarians in the previous horoscope, hopefully for comic effect.
Makes you almost glad you don't have a horoscope.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Cabbage and brussell sprouts should never make a week as miserable as they're about to make yours.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The horoscope writer, momentarily breathless, has become a bit of a babbling idiot, at this point, and is having trouble predicting your week.
He mentioned something about needing to spend some time sleeping it off, not sure if that was a prediction or a self-reference.

[Horoscopes. It's what's news.]