Taurus April 20 - May 20
You discover a combination of hangers, your wool sweater, and two D batteries have managed to get tangled and have formed a perpetual motion machine in your very own closet!
It's stopped when you take the sweater out because you're absolutely freezing.

Leo July 23 - August 22
There is no excuse for not having your very own sanemagazine t-shirt. You should be ashamed.
Eat a peach this week.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Midgets figure prominently in your week.
This either means they will do something very influential in your week, or there will just be a lot of them around your week, as it takes a lot of midgets to be prominent.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Tickle someone today!
We are not responsible for people who don't like to be tickled objecting with physical violence, it was just a suggestion.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Pudding makes an awful mess, especially when smeared on white tablecloths, then worn as a cape whilst the wearer sprints around the house.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Orangutans, it turns out, really like you. A whoooooole lot.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
You need a new outlook on Life.
There's an excellent one down at the grocer's, just in, next to the carrots.
If you'd rather not, we probably understand.

Aries March 21 - April 19
You're in love this week.
This means your bound not to be calling on anyone, and only occasionally interrupting watching Buffy the Vampyre Slayer to get food and the like.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Walking into your cleaners this week turns out to be disastrous, as you've found you accidentally submitted the shirt that Liz Hurley once brushed up against, and, after five years of not being washed, your favourite shirt has now been cleansed of Ms. Hurley's presence, along with one hundred and seventeen interesting kinds of dirt.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
I always whistle, like wind whistling through a really empty space, when I get to this space.
Hmm... symbolism.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
A kiss this week will turn you into a price. That's right, a price.
You may want to investigate any history of cursed frog-like things in your family.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Anticipation is the sweetest drug.
You will be missing a button this week, but by Monday next, you'll have regained it in a nice, warm room with a bottle of wine.

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