Taurus April 20 - May 20
You're bound to be carrying either inordinately heavy shopping bags or luggage this week, and almost mortally wounding some poor soul sharing the same sidewalk, and most definitely taking a bit of his kneecap off.

Leo July 23 - August 22
You will happen across a sheet of bubblewrap lying in the street.
You will not be able to resist.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
A small hedgehog will have considerly more impact on your Life this week than you might have ever imagined.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Try and wear that metallic blue dress this week. We always thought it'd look good with the pink feather boa you've got.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
If you've got thirteen pence, you could potentially be a millionaire!
Or at least only nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred ninety-nine pounds and eighty seven pence away from it!

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Gum may save your Life this week. It may also just get stuck in your hair, hard to tell which, from the clouds in Cancer right now.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
If you ever dreamed of being a chimneysweep, possibly inspired by an Auden poem of Dick van Dyke's performance in Mary Poppins, you may want to consider you dirty your hands are going to get, and having to fight to the death with the trolls that live in people's chimneys in precarious battles along the rooftops of your chimneysweeping towne of choice.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Re: trolls living in chimneys from the previous horoscope: You're painfully reminded that trolls don't live in chimneys at all, but under bridges, when one eats your shoes while you're crossing underneath a bridge.

Libra September 23 - October 22
You never liked the colour green, anyway.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Horoscopally unbound, you enjoy a week of pleasure and such.
The horoscope writer takes note, and promises to rectify that as soon as humanly possible.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
In a surprise housecall this week, your doctor tells you you're pregnant.
The fact that soon after telling you this he went into the bathroom and fell asleep in the tub leads you to believe he's mistaken your house for his own again.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your heater breaks this week.
However, in breaking, it's turned into a strange sort of temporal-spatial warp thing, and you wake up in Bermuda.

[Horoscopes. I feel just like Fred Astaire.]