Taurus April 20 - May 20
A brisk walk this week will make people believe you've somewhere to go, and something to do. If you knock over a few people as you're briskly walking, that'd be good, too, as then they'd be thinking you've somewhere to go and something to do whilst lying prone on the pavement.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Slander is not something a lot of people take lightly.
Nor is coming out and punching them, so please try and refrain.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
There's good fortune coming out of the woodwork this week!
You might want to hire some people to come in and look at that, as your walls may be structurally unsound now.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Since this is international naked week (tm), you spend the entire week hiding behind a conveniently located office plant you keep around for such occasions. We all know you're just faking it, though, and that you're wearing pants.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Spin a lily this week, but don't come crying to us when you get no real satisfaction from the week, and nothing really at all, except for a dizzy lily.
Which isn't much use to anyone.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
If you were able to put all of the Earth's oceans in a thimble, that'd either be an extremely large thimble or the oceans would be considerably smaller than I had thought, anyway.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Eat your peas.
But nevermind the carrots, this week, as it's a week for overdone carrots, and no one likes eating soggy, rather rubbery carrots.

Aries March 21 - April 19
You will have a rough week, and the scars to prove it, including one rather interesting one on your shoulder, which looks suspiciously more like a lovebite than an actual scar, so much.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Free your mind, and it's bound to get all sorts of wacky ideas. Best to keep it in a small box in the closet. Cardboard has been proven to be horribly ineffective. Mad scientists favour glass pickle jars for a reason...

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
---BEGIN ENCRYPTED HOROSCOPE---
xPKlsk9009KJju92j23XC0 FG5fF6TtyaJn8GjK89222o0OaDS
HgJHkf088JHk07AsawE76 lkKLKUiHG7eyjhGreFDdMnlk
kj hhe873 e32rREKJ21Mla03mUDj53
---END ENCRYPTED HOROSCOPE---

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
No major problems this week, except that, due to some unforeseen events, your living room is converted, on Wednesday, to terminal four for Heathrow.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
I foresee lots and lots of situations becoming part of your euphemistic lore this week, so much so that you can't actually talk about anything any more.
The constant presence of eighteen mad Australians, a particularly loud German couple, and an incredibly loud ox will also make talking about anything very difficult.

[Horoscopes. worth looking at this week.]