Taurus April 20 - May 20
Don't do anything you might regret this week.
The most efficient way of doing this, I've found, is a bowl of chocolate, a warm bed, and a mind-eraser raygun. You may find other ways.

Leo July 23 - August 22
I miss the good old days when people were allowed to run naked through the halls of major financial institutions.
Or at least you could without the guards firing those damn Taser Guns at you.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
I always seem to think olives when I get to this sign, I have no idea why.
Probably because, of all the Virgos, 98% of them are from Greece, or have heard of Plato.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Bubblebath will likely save your week from complete and utter ruin. It does so when you jam the bottle of bubblebath under the final support beam holding up the roof of your flat just as it collapses, rescuing both your Life and your television from almost certain mussing up in one fell swoop. Except that it's just sitting there, and not swooping at all, really.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
A 60 Watt lightbulb is just the thing you need to spark your romance this week. Especially if your sweetheart enjoys listening to you drone on about the wonders of electricity and Thomas Edison.
Failing any interest on their part in either of those things, you could show them how to remove a broken lightbulb from a socket using a potato.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
A good, thick sweatshirt will get you through pretty much anything. If it's earthquake-proof, it'll also get you through one of those, though generally, due to the cost of putting steel girders and reinforced conrete into sweatshirts, and the tendency for those sorts of materials to not be quite as warm as, say, cotton or wool, your sweatshirt won't be 100% earthquake-proof.
Makes for interesting dinner conversation to wear the sweatshirt, on its own, though.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Happy birhtday, a couple of months early!
Eat a pineapple tart this week to celebrate. You need three to eight forms of identification to rent videos, in most major developed countries.

Aries March 21 - April 19
You never were one for an argument.
Seeing as that's the case, all the other signs gang up on you this week and argue your dog out of existence.

Libra September 23 - October 22
"Love is not a victory march."
It could, however, be considered a bit of a 5000m hurdles.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Drinking a good amount of wine will put you out for the entire week, saving me the trouble of having to write you a horoscope.
This also works well, considering the recent (one year of more) history of you not receiving one. This way you won't even notice. Consider this a note from the doctor.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Fishing is an excellent pasttime for those of you out there with a hell of a lot of time to spend, but don't want to spend it looking like you're just staring at the river or lake.
It's also a good pasttime for those of you whose living room has suddenly had a water pipe burst.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your week promises (oath-type, too) to be rather sunny. It also promises not to forget your birthday this year, and to take better care of any CDs you might lend it, as the last few you'd gotten back with some sort of peanut buttery type substance on them.
Either way, the week also promises to cook you dinner Thursday.

[Horoscopes. we're going to get austin bunn to mention us one way or another.]