Taurus April 20 - May 20
Let the far fields lie fallow this year, and you'll yield fresh corn the next.
Or else you'll be sorry. And won't have any fresh corn to console yourself with.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Warning: this week contains chloroflourocarbons.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
When you begin to not understand the words to any of the songs you may find you've just woken up in Munich. This is only one possible answer. You may also have the record player playing at the wrong speed, or be listening to Tom Waits.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
So you think you're smart, do ye?
You will have difficulty thinking yourself out of a paper bag this week.
How you got in there in the first place may be the daft bit.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You have a dream.
Not quite as inspiring as Dr. King's, yours involves a talking fish, three walnuts, and an extremely green tree.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will have a swaggish week.
If this is due to levels of alcohol consumptions beyond normal human range, err... good on ye.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Why is it everyone can't have free delivery?
Because can you imagine the amount of people taking advantage of free delivery of crepes? France would be incapacitated!

Aries March 21 - April 19
Flowers will get you everywhere this week.
Unless they require backstage passes, too, then you're stuck.

Libra September 23 - October 22
If you take into account how relatively infrequently you (generic you) get a haircut coupled with the odds you'll get the same haircutter/dresser and the odds that they'll have a bad cut, as it were, it's pretty amazing anyone ever expects to walk away from a haircut happy.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
What you see is what you get.
Unfortunately, due to the Board of Horoscopal Integrity and Cream Filling being a bunch of right bastards, you're seein' nuthin'.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Do not, under any circumstances, buy a television from a man with two arms, a tattoo of the Tayto Crisp character, and no head this week.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You're going to get dinner and breakfast and virtually every other meal imagineable cooked for yourself this week.
Mind turnips, apparently they're plotting against you.

[Horoscopes. a supertart in every box.]