Taurus April 20 - May 20
No spicey jamon jokes this week. Only tiny crepes with Nutella (tm) and perhaps a slice of bacon.
Oh, all right, so ham made it in somehow.

Leo July 23 - August 22
You will jiggle all week. This may cause slight dizziness.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Do not trust busses bearing gift horses. And definitely don't trust horses that are too lazy to walk.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Apricots make your week a living hell this week.
I'm not entirely sure why, this is just what the little star on the horizon told me, though, to be honest, that might have been a bug.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Mobile phones make you smarter. They don't however, make you talk any softer. And they definitely will get your arse kicked on a crowded bus, as you wind up inappropriately touching three people in front of you whilst trying to answer it.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Drippy chippy things have replaced drippy chicken things at Abrakebabra. Or this is the first week you notice, anyway. Or maybe they've finally just morphed into chip things after many years of looking like they were going to do that, anyway.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
"Let it rain," you scream defiantly to the skies this week.
And it does. Next time you might want to scream something else defiantly to the skies, like, "Let a million pounds (in notes) drop from the sky!"

Aries March 21 - April 19
Room service delivers a small yuppie to your room this week.
You make a note to sue the hotel owner for stealing your idea of serving yuppies with a side of peas.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Rutabaga is an interesting vegetable, just don't let it get too close, as it'll kill you for your shiney coat if given half a chance.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
No horoscope, but yer birthday's just gone past (likely)!
Way to go (sic)!

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You have a large Spanish man sleeping (and drooling) on your shoulder all week.
You may wish to call in sick for that.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will risk getting squeezed almost mortally, as the Republic of Ireland travel to Turkey, unless you manage to find a suit of armour to wear around matchday.
I also had a note about fish and cherubs, but can't, for the life of me, remember what the hell that means. Assume it's not good, and do not accept an offer of free fish and cherubs from anyone.

[Horoscopes. thank you.]