Taurus April 20 - May 20
Dance of the pasta will haunt you all week.
Don't ask me what that means, I'm just the messenger, one of the stars told me to pass it on.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Candy floss and butane lighters do not make an excellent Christmas gift, for those of you out there shopping early.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
A surprise visit from a sea urchin will punctuate your week.
Don't let them sit on your good sofa, as those pins will ruin the fabric.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
You will have your leg chewed off by a wild boar this week.
Unless you stay in the city, in which case, you'll buy a coffee and doughnut Wednesday morning.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You are a giraffe, you are a giraffe.
Sorry, it's just that I was thinking that I'd never ever seen a real giraffe before.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
You miss the good old days of poítin and erm... something else.
Might have been turkey.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
A group of older women from New Jersey will pop round your house for tea and to clean your carpets this week, Thursday.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Plants come in many different shapes and sizes; small, big, metal, octagonal, round, and medium. And so do you. Oh, wait, metal isn't a size or shape.

Libra September 23 - October 22
It's getting cold, going to need to stop writing soon. And get warm. Of course.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You've got no horoscope, nyah nyah nyah! (aren't kids cruel?)

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Bread soup, you find, in which you put a whole lot of bread into luke warm water, is rather digusting.
But makes an excellent cement.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A rolling stone gathers no moss and a cantankerous green bean whittles no cheese.
You will have a fuzzy week. Fuzzy like a blanket, not fuzzy like mold. And certainly not like fuzzy blanket mold.

[Horoscopes. ladies and gentlemen, he's still there: mick.]