Taurus April 20 - May 20
Tend to personal matters this week. And ignore the huge alien pod that's landed in your kitchen sink.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Eat lots of fibre and strawberry ice cream this week.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Old, burned out light bulbs make excellent idle conversation. Especially if you've taken the time to make a hat out of them.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Cold, cold turnips are no man (or woman)'s friend.
A nice, warmish beet isn't either, as it's usually rotten, then.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Rubbish bins make for an interesting (albeit short) night out.
If you'd produced more refuse you'd have longer nights out.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Two times this week you will be visited by three spirits carrying eight bottles of perfume. There's a sale on down at the local perfumery.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Eggs are not something you want to mess with. Especially not on a Saturday especially walking a high wire.

Aries March 21 - April 19
"Are you done yet, are you done yet?" That's all I hear, how am I supposed to work under these conditions?

Libra September 23 - October 22
Okay, screw the tea. I (and you) much prefer a bottle of Cote du Rhone and perhaps lots of the colours orange and yellow.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
May warm legs rub against you. (Even though you don't have a horoscope.)

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Watch what you say around books, books never forget.
They also potentially contain very vindictive bookworms.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Mind you don't get imprisoned by giant spicey gum drops. As pleasant a way to spend the week as that may sound, it's not, really.
Go off to Paris, instead. Take care to watch for giant gum drops, of course.

[Horoscopes. why hello there.]