Taurus April 20 - May 20
Take my advice, and the advice of the stars. I'd take mine first, as the stars tend to be full of it.

Leo July 23 - August 22
If you don't mind your manners, no one will come and talk to you.
Or they will, but it'll only be those people with really bad breath. And three arms.
(The above horoscope only valid in Belgium.)

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Ginger beer has no alcohol in it, unless you happen to pour a tin of lager into it.
This, you will find, holds true for a great many things. Excepting mice, who will generally repel the lager.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
You need to wear your lucky socks this week, or you'll never get that prize!

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Poodles, oodles of poodles, will infest your week from head to toe.
It is incredibly difficult to walk that way.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Soup, and lots of it, will cure almost anything.
Unless you get run over by a giant boulder. Soup won't help much there.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Like a butterfly, stuck in a book.
That's how you'll spend your week. Which will be tough to explain at work.

Aries March 21 - April 19
You live a boring life. That is all.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Absolutely no tea this week. Where the hell has that gig gone?
Beware those little bugs with the pincers. They, as you might imagine, pinch.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Horoscope == NULL

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Pick a flower, give it to an old person this week.
If they're carrying a lot of things you might want to re-think that, as that may be the proverbial straw that breaks the camel's (or old person's) back, and it wouldn't be nice to responsible for that.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Curried chicken plays a large part in your week, mostly in your dreams, wearing a tutu (green), and playing the bongos. If anyone ever asks you how good a curried chicken's bongo playing is, tell them it's good, but they should have lost the tutu.

[Horoscopes. I lied. Damascene.]