Taurus April 20 - May 20
Don't even tell me you're thinking of eating that.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Lift your foot a second so I can vacuum under that chair.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Worcestershire sauce doesn't do wonders for your hair. Unless you count a brown, sticky mess as a wonder.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Finally, you get to decide what to watch on the tele.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Dogs find you quite attractive this week, and offer to slobber on your shoes. They offer wordlessly, and quite actively, you note, with some degree of dismay.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
A needle in a haystack is going to cause you a lot of problems, should you need to sleep on that haystack at any point, and still have no idea where it could have gotten to.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
The birds sing only for you this week.
This gets old by Thursday, when you buy an air raid siren, to try and drown the little buggers out.
Not many people around you appreciate this tactic.

Aries March 21 - April 19
A database model (and not any other sort of model, sadly) will give you great grief all week, as it's therapist is off, and you always projected a caring, listening sort of aura.

Libra September 23 - October 22
No tea this week. Considerably less fun, I might add.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Wishing there was a horoscope to put here, but if you look at the quality of the other ones, you'll see we're just at about the bottom of the barrel.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Check your mail.
You probably haven't gotten anything, but there's always a chance your mail will be blocking the door, and preventing people from being able to open it.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You accidentally sell your soul to a farmer from Clonmel, who was only asking directions.
Your soul, incidentally, is a natural at churning butter.

[Horoscopes. you should read this for next week's issue.]