Taurus April 20 - May 20
Venus in your second house of chocolate means you've 23 hours to live. Shortly thereafter, you'll have to watch a Boyzone documentary, following which you can begin living again.

Leo July 23 - August 22
You, being a Leo, hate being told you've got a ridiculous haircut. It would help if you didn't, but things are the way they are.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Things are the way they are for a Reason. That Reason generally involves the Freemasons and/or Tom Jones.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
You are known far and wide for your ability to make the best of a peanut butter toastie. Whcih is a rare talent, indeed.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Remember Valentine's Day? Well, now you probably do. But only because I told you.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Bottled water or not, you've got to catch that 8.50 train!
The preceding bit of nonsense is brought to you by chickens on white horses. Who like that colour red.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
This week you'll encounter a certain problem involved in trying to get fifteen Swedish tourists who've been locked in a cupboard for two days (inadvertantly) to teach you all the words to ABBA Gold.
Guess the certain problem...

Aries March 21 - April 19
Again, you've instigated the horoscope writer by appearing entirely too far down the page. Fourteen rabid tulips shall haunt your week.

Libra September 23 - October 22
I've just been brought tea. No effort, just sat here, and it was brought by, deposited on the table (in a handy pot, mind you), and no effort required. May your week go as well.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
So.
So.
No horoscope again, eh, Bill?
Nope. Looks like rain.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The ghost of William Blake decides to give you a hard time about flossing your teeth regularly. He hasn't aged well, let me tell you. Or he will, surely.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Pumpkin-coloured children will infest your wardrobe this week.
Oh, wait, no, sorry. That might have been your cupboard and those might just be pumkin-coloured oranges.
Or pumpkins, I suppose.

[Horoscopes. rhetoric and poetics. so.]