Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will have what could very well be the absolute worst cup of tea ever this week. If you own a dispensing machine like the one we have in the office, this is too difficult to imagine.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Rollerball may not be your thing, but when a group of mad people on rollerskates begin skating around you and bashing one another off of you, you may learn to quickly pick up the sport.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Finish your vegetables. Otherwise, no desert for you. If you point out that you'd rather not have a desert (but like the possibility of dessert), you're going to get it.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Watersports are just the sort of thing if you've a lot of water lying around, like after a pipe's burst in your flat, or it's rained for forty days and forty nights, or if you just happen to be a sponge.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Leicster City fans have possibly some of the most unimaginative songs in the history of world football. This includes the ever-popular "Leeeeeeeicester, Leeeeeicester" chant.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
If you honk like a duck, you may or may not attract a good deal of ducks around you, which would possibly make you an invaluable resource to duck hunters. This is a good thing to note if you've a crush on a certain duck hunter.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
My piscine friend, it's time for you to come to grips with the simple principles of Archimedes. Just watch where you put that lever, I don't want my tea spilling over.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Try something with flannel in it this week. A nice shirt, a pillow, or plastic fruit, made out of flannel, would be nice.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Throw pillows are not to be used wantonly. They should be used in a controlled and practised manner, to avoid injury and/or personal trauma.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
No horoscope. You wouldn't happen to be a Leicester City supporter, would you?

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Think about the possibility of Space Travel this week, and what it means to your plants, which your next door neighbour will probably forget to water while you're gone.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You are in for a week. A big week. If you need to go to the loo, now is the time to do so.

[Horoscopes. Come watusi with me.]