Taurus April 20 - May 20
Thrice went the turkey "Chee, chee chee." That would be "Chee, chee chee. Chee, chee chee. Chee, chee chee." if you're keeping track properly.

Leo July 23 - August 22
No pictures, please, this week, as Mercury in retrograde will supplant someone's thumb in front of the lens every time.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Bread and water is good enough for criminals, it's good enough for convicts, too.
Don't use too much salt.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
If you can still shimmy like you used to, please do so now.
If not, I fear your potential for ridicule is appallingly low.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Wander not into the gentle night gently, if only because this sentence will look rather daft, and explaining to anyone what you're doing becomes horribly awkward.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Funny little spots will colour your week. It could possibly be some sort of pixelating of the atmosphere, caused by too much time online. Erm... except for sanemagazine, of course.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Get happy. If this fails to cheer you up, get a dictionary, and make sure you're working from the same definition of happy as everyone else, even Bob, the butcher down the road.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what's going to happen to Aries this week.
If you say this this week, don't expect anything good, because the stars hate being condescended to, and they don't actually twinkle, anyway, that's an effect of the Earth's atmosphere.

Libra September 23 - October 22
A trip to the library this week will prove difficult.
First and foremost on your troubleshooting list might be checking to see whether or not your shoelaces have been tied to a chair, that makes getting anywhere difficult, usually.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Hey man, how's Life? Sucks about the horoscope, you not having one and all, too bad about the incident with the stickie note.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Mettle. You never knew quite how important that is until this week.
You will be interested to note that metal actually will beat mettle everytime, much like rock beats scissors, paper beat rock, scissors beats paper, unless the other player is cheating, and insists on bashing your fingers no matter what symbol you come up with.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
This is going to be one of those weeks, oh yes yes yes yes yeeeeeees it is.
Ill-formed imaginary friends aside, mind plaster bowling balls, and women bearing large pedestals that formerly had plaster bowlng balls on them.

[Horoscopes. Project Cenzo. Or not.]