Taurus April 20 - May 20
If a pickle were worth a comic book, you'd be quite rich. If you had a lot of pickles, that is.
Your week will perspire like a fat man at the racetrack whose horse has just happened to have won, after he had heard it had lost, and had torn up his winning ticket, and owes a considerable amount of money to Slim Tony, the mobster notorious for his temper.

Leo July 23 - August 22
A special treat awaits you at the end of this week.
It's cinammon-flavoured, with a little pinch of chocolate.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
I would like you to take a moment, and reflect.
All right, that's good, then. If you took this literally, and people have begun staring at you whilst trying to straighten their hair or other personal affects, feel free to look at them pointedly.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
This week's prediction for you comes from tea leaves, rather than stars, as they seem to have disappeared behind some clouds, and I'd be remiss to hazard a guess as to what they're saying, back there.
Your week will be vaguely soggy. As a precaution you might want to buy only books with plastic pages this week. You may notice a lack of terribly good prose on those types of pages.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Realise your dreams this week.
If this means getting a truck made out of balloons and a little bull terrier, so be it.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Tort law, you'd be surprised, is probably the furthest thing you could possibly get from tarts without falling off the edge of the world. Or edge of the word, either way you have it.
That'll teach you to mix business and petunias.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
A fine Cote du Rhone would go well with this week, for you.
And, if you're up for sharing, we're up for being shared with.
We'll bring the cheese, if necessary.

Aries March 21 - April 19
You'll find Happiness in a jar on the street this week.
It's a bit bruised, a little mouldy, but still cheerful. After about ten minutes, it begins to annoy you with it's overwhelming cheerfullness, and you drop it off, further down the street.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Whilst surfing the world wide web, you find the Love of your Life.
Which is handy, though it's disconcerting that you need to have an AdultIdCheckerCard in order to get through to him/her.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Giant killer gasworks-shaped robots pop round your house this week, but still no horoscope. One of them may tell you something to that effect.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
A rather surprise invasion of lots of little yellow stickie notes in your flat leaves you relatively homeless for the week, which leads you to rue the day you ever didn't take yer da's advice about always being wary of stickie notes.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A little bird told me your week was going to be covered in chocolate.
Not being one to listen to little birds*, I enquired after the week's fortune with a salamander, and she said the same thing.
I fear the animal kingdom may be out to get you.
* The preceding is not a sexist remark. "Bird" is meant in the "small flying thing with feathers and generally a song," not the "hottie, chick, tart, woo woo!" sense. And I always listen to the second sort. Always, sometimes. Love, the Horoscope Writer.

[Horoscopes. new weddoes album of old singles on the way... good listening. cuz i'm electric boy and you're electric girl.]