Taurus April 20 - May 20
Smashing coconuts together may not be the most elegant form of expression, but it gets the job done.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Your week will be rather fortuitous, if, indeed, you count catching a very large fish fortuitous.
If you consider catching a very large fish while waiting for the bus, and, until the very large fish smacks against your briefcase, really not expecting to catch a big fish fortuitous, you'll be in for a really special, and fortuitous, treat.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Take charge of your Life this week.
A good way to do this is by eating ice cream and not worrying about getting an ice cream headache.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Beware burning your fingers on really hot things. You shouldn't worry quite so much about colder things, like ice cubes, unless you don't like cold hands.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
It will be 7.30 on Thursday before you realise this is the first week of the rest of your Life.
This, unfortunately, means trading in all your previous weeks for a voucher at the end of it all.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Athletics will play a big part in your week.
The 100 metre run-until-you-hit-something down the King's Road vaguely counts as exercise, but only if you manage to get up after two minutes, as any more of a rest will kill the work-out.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Something happens to you. It probably involves fettucini alfredo. And not, in any way, the song Fernando, by Abba.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Salsa is a major theme of your week.
It's the first time it's played a starring role in a week, so expect a few rocky patches. Especially when the woman exhibits a tendency to lose her extremely high-heeled shoes occasionally.

Libra September 23 - October 22
You need to keep in mind your gentle side, this week.
Your sensitive side. Your compassionate side. The side everyone loves about you. The side that always has time for a friend.
Could I borrow 10 quid?

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Emerson once said, "Tis sad, to have no horoscope, like a hummingbird without a fob watch."
There's a good chance Emerson was either taking the piss or senile when he said that, so take it with a grain of salt.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Rocket ships from an alien civilisation disturb your sign this week, making your week an interesting one, indeed.
It either means you'll be going on grand and glorious adventures, or spending the week attempting to get an interesting bit of what must have once been food off of a plate in your sink. Interesting means many things to many people. Many different people.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
I once was walking down a road, and I ran into an old man. He didn't take kindly to it, but when he got over that, he pulled me aside and gave me some good advice.
You'll have such a week, possibly without the appearance of an old man, advice, or a road in it.

[Horoscopes. how should I know?]