Taurus April 20 - May 20
This week bodes well for any and all transactions involving mice you may have.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Do not attempt to drive and perform complicated alchemy at the same time.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Telephone cords, should you have chosen well, may also serve, in an emergency, as passable evening neckwear.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
If the glass is half full, be sure it's yours, and not someone else's. Lipstick stains are the best way to mark your own.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Electricity is your friend. Don't be worried, though, that you never get phone calls, as it doesn't have a phone.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Last week I mentioned a duck. See what happens?

Pisces February 19 - March 20
This is an excellent week for frying up potatoes. In English, it's known as "The Week Potatoes Fear." No one knows what it's called in other languages.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Drop what you're doing this week, and you'll see just what that expression entails, and how you shouldn't use it frivolously, which you'll especially learn if you're doing any sort of masonry work.

Libra September 23 - October 22
The future is your present and your past is a mime in Central Park. Therefore, be kind/nasty to mimes.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
There once was a horoscope here. Now, there isn't. Once is eleven in Spanish.
If you don't have a horoscope the least you can get out of this is an education.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The words 'endocrinology' and 'trundlefish', especially when used together, usually have no meaning whatsoever for you. They still don't this week.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will be visited this week by three spirits, the first... will... ehm... oh, wait.
That was possibly this weekend past.

[Horoscopes. yo la tengo.]