Taurus April 20 - May 20
You have three minutes to get out of the house and get down with yo' bad se'f!
Failing that, you could keep sitting there in front of the computer. And read sanemagazine. And then run outside and get all funky and fresh. This week you try and "keep it real."

Leo July 23 - August 22
Whither hath Mrs. Rosemary gone?
It's a question you don't particularly care to know the answer of, since you've never heard of Mrs. Rosemary, nor are interested in where she's gone. You'll be interested to know that it's one of the Fundamental Questions of the Universe, voted in this Thursday past.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Venus in your house of Water means your tap water is going ot be a bit dirty this week. This is what happens when you let planets bathe in your artesian wells. Remember to add this to your list of things you simply will not stand for.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Watch your cholesterol, as it's always sneaking off and nicking my sticky buns, and if it happens again I'm holding you personally responsible. At least I think it's your cholesterol, it might be the other guy's weight, though.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Denim and a black umbrella is your fashion decree from the stars this week.
Wear them well, and nothing special will really happy, it's just that odds are (3-1) that that's what you'll wear this week.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
You might the Super-Cancer this week, the bloke in charge of all things Cancerian-related. He tells you that he's been rather disappointed in your sticking to the horoscope, and, frankly, expected more out of you.
Little-known rule about the Super-AnySign is that you can become it, so long as you manage to fool the current Super-YourSignHere into thinking he/she's a duck.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
You feel an urgent need to reconcile all your affairs this week, sell all your furniture, and strike out for the Post Office. This either means you realise you're going to be stuck in the queue at the Post for days, nay, years on end whilst trying to pick up a parcel, or that you're going to win the lottery and don't want any outstanding debts to your name, and are still going to get stuck in the queue at the Post Office for three years while the woman in front of you, still wearing her nightdress, argues with the counterclerk about the exact metaphysical constitution of postage stamps, and why he won't take her one pence stamp in exchange for a newer model.

Aries March 21 - April 19
I have nachos, and salsa. Life is Good. You, too, could be saying that, if you had nachos, and salsa, both of them.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Mind your cuticles this week.
This advice brought to you by long, drawn out conversations, during the course of which you know you're going to be staring at your fingernails, wishing you'd carved a humourous little message to yourself so that you could laugh about it.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Waa!
"http://ads.dubbleclik.net/scorpio/noads/1,998,NOHOROSCOPE,00.ssp,width=0"

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Bananas.
This horoscope brought to you by Joe, who really didn't have a lot of money, and could only afford the word 'bananas', though it really doesn't mean much of anything, in relation to your week.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your week will trundle along like a mound of soggy pasta. If you've never seen a mound of soggy pasta trundling along, I highly recommend it, though don't, obviously, stand in it's path, or within fifteen metres of it.

[Horoscopes. david lewis gedge is still around. which is a good thing.]