Taurus April 20 - May 20
Waterfowl like wet climates. This seemingly obvious tip will come in very handy on Tuesday. An umbrella and a case of beer will also do you well.

Leo July 23 - August 22
The end of your sign's period begins that traditional period of depression, because you didn't get all the things you wanted, and now are left to pretend the tie clip is going to experience a resurgence in popularity anytime soon.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
As Sir Walter Scott really would liked to have said, once, "No one can eat a whole tub of ice cream by themselves, without some supernatural assitance." Sage advice. Though patentedly untrue.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
There are strong rumblings from your tribe that the Geminians should go to war with the Capricorns, for almost being clubbed to death (and not Ministry of Sound-like) last week, whilst pursuing True Love down the yellow brick road.
All eyes point to you.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You enjoy chocolate bon-bons and windsurfing, and candlelit dinners.
But a good game of rugby will also get yer up.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
This week is nothing like the preceding. Until next week, when it is known as the preceding. But by then this week's preceding week will be but a fond memory. Or a bright red smidge across the whiteboard calendar.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Total and complete annihilation of all species on the planet.
If this is a warning on your laundry detergent, think twice before doing a double load.

Aries March 21 - April 19
In the astrology shoppe in Covent Garden you will find what you were looking for.
They have a pile of everyone's lost keys.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Ancient Romans liked to eat really spicy foods then complain about how much their mouth and stomachs hurt. They just didn't have video games to do it all mindlessly to, like we do.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Constable Fletcher (yes, the one wibbling on about the fish) says you have no horoscope.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Jive talkin' crazy fungi from Brasil will make your week virtually unbearable. One of them will be named 'Jimmy' and be unable to stop quoting "Grease." Notably, he doesn't do any of Rizzo's parts.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will have a week of indeterminate joy and reasonably uncertain happiness. This could be because you plan to spend it pissed off your arse. Or as a Cartesian.

[Horoscopes. nothing exciting here this week. honest. 100 weeks of horoscopes.]